Thursday, July 10, 2008

U Guys R The Best

Update: I just talked to the nurse and the results are not in yet. She said I should hear something on Monday or Tuesday. Ugggg!

Thank you everyone for all of your love and support. It seriously means the world to me.

When I first started making bloggy friends, my husband thought I was insane. I would talk about you guys to him like you were my real life friends. I would say, guess what Beans did today, or guess what Sophia now has, or guess what Kristen asked on her Friday Forum, etc. After reading all the comments on my last post, my husband now realizes that you guys are real and you guys do care. I told him that I cried after reading all of the wonderful comments, he looks at me and said, yeah, I did too!

So again, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your love and support.

I am also very lucky to have such a wonderful family and real life friends. My parents, my in laws, and my best friends have all said that they will be there to help and do whatever we need. What would I do without such support?

We are still waiting to hear back from the Dr. The waiting and the uncertainty is killing me.

Something that is really bothering me about all of this, is the fact that if I have to go through Chemo I will have to quit breastfeeding. Isn't it silly that that is what is bothering me the most!

When Kyler was born I was determined to give breastfeeding a shot. I really didn't care if it worked out though. I breastfed him for 4 months, however I ALWAYS had to supplement and I really had to watch my diet. We found out that he was allergic to all milk products and he had to go on a special (and VERY expensive) formula. He was on it until he was 2!! Breastfeeding with him was very difficult for me. I was a vegetarian and ate a lot of dairy products (still do!). I had to cut out dairy for him, since I had already cut out meat, I was pretty much down to eating nothing that I enjoyed. That sucked!

At around 4 months Kyler decided that he was done breastfeeding and would only take a bottle. I cried, but was okay with it. I was back to teaching and didn't have the time to pump so formula would definitely be easier.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ella, I thought about formula feeding for, oh maybe a minute. Since Kyler's was so darn expensive I knew that with me staying home I really needed to give breastfeeding a shot.

I bought the fancy pump.

I attended breastfeeding class.

I asked lots of questions.

I researched and researched on the internet.

I was determined.

I was going to do this and I was going to like it, damn it!

When the nurse give me Ella to feed, she latched on right away. I knew she was born to do this. That night she nursed pretty much ALL NIGHT LONG! The nurse taught me how to do the laying down position and Ella was latched on that way pretty much all night.

Apparently, you're not supposed to do that!

Apparently, she was using mommy as a pacifier. Huh, who knew! I was just so excited that she was a natural I didn't care. Until the next morning that is! Damn, I hurt! And boy was I cursing this whole breastfeeding thing!

Every time she latched on I had tears in my eyes. It lasted for 2 weeks and 1 day. Every hour she would eat, and every hour I would cry. Until that magical day 2 weeks and 1 day later. She latched on and I didn't cry. Wow, it doesn't hurt anymore! Yay!! This is going to work.

It hasn't always been easy. At times I get dirty looks for nursing her in public. Don't worry, I just flip those people off.

At times it would be easier to just give her a bottle of formula. Especially during those sleepless nights.

At times I feel like a milk cow. But I'm ok with it. Because I know that I am doing what is right for my baby girl. I am in awe of what my body can do. I am in awe of how much milk it can produce.

My husband is sick of looking at the breast milk bags in the deep freeze. But I knew that I needed to pump, pump, pump and have lots of milk stored. I don't know why, but something was telling me that I needed to have plenty stored up.

Now I know why. If I have to go through Chemo this breastfeeding thing will be no more. I know it's silly, but in my warped little mind I want to put off the Chemo so I can keep breastfeeding. Isn't that silly. My husband says I am going crazy in my old age!

I think I just always thought that I would breastfeed until Ella decided she was done. Or she was 5, whichever came first:) (Just Kidding, kind of)


Jen said...

I wanted to stop by today just to see if you heard anything. I've been thinking a lot about you and what you must be going through with the waiting. The waiting is the worst. I almost told my husband about it but I thought he would think I was crazy to be concerned about someone I only know from reading their blog, but I can't help it. I feel like I know you now that I've read your blog.

Anyway, I can totally relate to the whole breastfeeding thing. Actually, I think I might do a post about it and link back to you.

Jenn said...

I have been thinking about you too and wanted to see if you had heard anything yet. I do tell my dh things and he does think I'm crazy for thinking so much about people I don't know ! That would be too bad but having a healthy happy momma is so much more important and she won't really care about the other as much as you will. I'll check back later, hope you have a good day and try not to stress to much! I'll be thinking of you!

Miranda said...

Hey Heather, it is Mandy, your old daycare in Emporia. I have been looking at your blog everyday for several weeks, I love it. It makes me smile. I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru right now. We are going thru some serious stuff with cancer in our family right now, and I want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers hopefully it will come back ok.

Kyler is getting so big, and the new baby is a doll. I love all her hair bows.

Becks said...

I can imagine how you feel about breastfeeding Ella! I wasn't able to breastfeed Sophia as I never got enough milk. I tried soooo hard to get my milk in and wanted nothing more than to breastfeed her. I hope my next baby I can breastfeed. So I can really relate how you feel with Ella not being able to bf with Kyler! I hope you will NOT need chemo and can continue on feeding Ella until she is 5!!! :)

Shannon said...

I'm so glad to hear you have so much wonderful support, Heather. I'm still really hoping for some good news for you.

I completely understand the breastfeeding thing. It's a very normal feeling and I know a few friends who had some medical issues while nursing who were devastated that they might have to stop (actually, none of them ended up having to). I'll keep praying for you that it all works out and you can keep breastfeeding little Ella as long as you like.

Kerry said...

I actually saw a story about a woman in England (maybe) who was still breastfeeding her daughter at the age of 8 (I think). Now Heather, please don't do that because that looked a little weird. I think 5 is probably a good compromise. :-)

Keep us posted and try to stay positive! Thinking of you...


Christy said...

I struggled with breastfeeding Porgie, but Izzy has been a joy. So, I understand the obsession with breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is something that only YOU can do for Ella. But, she is a happy, healthy baby girl. She will do fine with formula. Now it is time to take care of yourself.

Carolyn said...

Hello, I have been reading your blog for a few days now and I was going to tell you yesterday that my son's name is Kyler too but I didn't want to leave a comment after you just found out about cancer. I am praying and sending out good thoughts your way! Your children are adorable!

amanda said...

totally get the breastfeeding thing too. i started doing some research about weaning and i realized i am just not ready. i simply don't want it to end.

still pulling for some happy chemo free news :)

hugs friend!

Kristen said...

I too was hoping that you had heard some news. It just seems to take forever sometimes.

But hang in there sweetie. Try not to get to worked up. You never know. You might not need chemo. You might be able to continue breast feeding. It is during these times of uncertainty, that waiting is so hard.

For now, hang on to every moment. Hold Ella longer. Enjoy feeding her and giving Kyler kisses.

Hang in there friend, and know that there really are people throughout this big country that are continuesly saying prayers for you! :)

Clare said...

Hi Heather! I have been thinking about you, and hoping that you are doing well. I love this post about what it takes to breast feed. It is tough! I spent an entire week pumping and feeding Bradley with a syringe hooked to my breast just to "trick" him into latching on. I was so not ready to give it up at 9 months when he was done with it. I cried! I hope that it doesn't come to that and you can keep nursing the cutie Ella. Hugs, Clare

Becks said...

The more prayers the better I say!! My parents are pastors and a lot of the people in their church check on my blog. So I thought the the more the better!!!

To get your blog header all I did was right click on your header and saved picture in my pictures. Then I just uploaded it like I would any other pic. So easy!!

Sooo frustarting you have to wait. I feel for you sista!!

Jenn said...

Sorry, you have to wait until then . Hope you have a good weekend, I'll be thinking of you!

Chelle said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Heather. I hope they get the results to you really soon.
Way to go on the breastfeeding, too! It is probably one of the hardest things to do! But so worth it. I breastfed Bella until she was 4 months and she just eventually weaned off. Awesome job!

Sus said...

I say keep flipping them off and breastfeed til she's at least 5 if that's what you both want! Especially after you find out you don't need chemo. (I'm adding belief in the universe a-la The Secret to all the prayers.) :) Just clicked over to your site for the first time ... will be back.

McMommy said...

Heather, I can't stop thinking about you and have said many prayers for you this weekend. From your comments here, it looks like I wasn't the only one either! :)

We love ya!!!

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