Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bye Bye Pump

Today I packed away my pump.

I know a lot of mommies don't enjoy pumping. For some odd reason, I didn't mind it.

I loved the fact that my body was able to make all that milk. I was constantly in awe of what I could do. Of what I could produce. I wasn't ever able to make much milk with Kyler so I was thrilled that I could make so much with Ella.

Not a day goes by that I don't want to grab Ella and nurse her. The thought of never again being able to breastfeed hurts my heart. It hurts so bad.

We've already used all of February and March milk and are currently on April. I realize that the reason I was pumping was so that we could use the milk, however, the fact that we are almost through April's milk is killing me. I hate using it. I hate that my supply is almost half gone. I just want to scream at Cody when I see him thawing it out! Stop, don't use it all!

However, I also don't want formula going into my baby girl either. I know, I'm hard to please!

After lots of research, I discovered that Interferon is not safe to breastfeed on. Even if Interferon was ok, I am on so many other drugs that I run the risk of hurting Ella. That is not something I am willing to risk.

When I was pregnant or breastfeeding I was always one of those "anti-drug" mamas. I never took medicine unless I absolutely had to. Tylenol was about as crazy as I got. Now I have so many medications pumped into my body I probably couldn't name them all. I don't like that. Especially since all these medications are making me feel WORSE!!! I realize that I have to take them to make me better in the long run. But seriously, do they have to make me feel like shit? Uggg, I am so sick of these headaches and the nausea. I can't function. I can't even glance around the room without wanting to puke. Not a fun feeling, not a fun feeling at all!

Please pray that these next 9 days of treatment fly by. I am SO ready to be done with this! I just want to feel normal again!


Shana said...

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily! Jeremiah 29:11

Christy said...

I am so sorry mama. you have done an excellent job breastfeeding your baby girl, and I am sorry it had to end early. I hope you can find peace with formula.

9 more days? You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Robin said...

I know it's hard not breastfeeding. I am having to go to formula becase we are finding a lot of allergies-and I hate it too! I'm sorry you have to do that. You'll look back and know you did what was best for her and she is not going to love you any less-I promise! Stay Strong!

Sarah said...

You pumped longer than I did, and going through what your going through, your a rock star. ;)

Time will fly, just keep livin. I am thinking about you and your family.

Chelle said...

You did an amazing job breastfeeding and pumping for her. It is amazing how much milk you were able to produce and save for her, sweetie.
I hope the next 9 days fly by for you. And I mean FLY by.

Tabbie:) said...

This is my first time to comment on your blog but I have been reading for a little bit.
I just felt compelled to encourage you today.
You will make it through this!!
You are strong and beautiful!!!
You have become an inspiration for many already...and that includes me. Kick Cancers butt girl!!
I will pray for the quickest 9 days EVER!!!

Merrie said...

I was hoping my long weekend would go slowly, but I'll hope that it flies by, just for you.

You've done a wonderful job with nursing and pumping -- how lucky you are that you made so much that you could freeze enough to keep her going for a while. Sounds like God had a plan, as usual. I'm just sorry you miss the nursing so much -- I loved it, too, so I understand.

Tammy said...

Oh..you poor thing! I am so sorry! I hope the next 9 treatments fly by for you and you will be back to normal in no time! You are such a sweet mama, I can tell how much you adore your kids! Stay strong and take care!

Thinking about you! ((hugs))

amanda said...

nine days???

honey that's awesome!!

you can sooo totally do this!!

you are on the downhill slope now!

hugs :)

Anna said...

Amanda is right, you are on the downhill slope of this burden. Hang in there.

Know that you have done everything you can for your baby girl and it'll be better soon!

Anonymous said...

Heather, read your last three posts and I think that you look great. I'm sorry that you don't feel good and that you feel so bad about not being able to breast feed. But, hang in there, you're almost done with the treatment and we are all rooting for you.

Kristen said...

Hang in there Heather and still praying for you!

Hoping that you get lots of rest and feel much more like yourself tomorrow.

And hey, if you ever decided to have a 3 child couldn't you breastfeed again??

Shannon said...

I hope these nine days are over before you know it. And good for you for pumping so much - you were amazing to have all that supply frozen away. ((HUGS))

Deborah said...

You're in my prayers honey. All the time. I'm just like you too in that I don't even like to take aspirin. I know how you feel being on all these things that are making you feel worse. Take this one day at a time and before you know it it will be over and you'll be back to normal. Just keep that thought.


chris said...

I was sad to pack away my pump too. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I can understand your anger- breastfeeding was a very emotional connection for me too and it was hard to let go.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Ilina said...

Prayers to you for a speedy recovery. You are feeding your daughter with love and so much more.

Anonymous said...

I am deeply sorry and mourn with you about breastfeeding. The good news is that you only have 9 days of this yuckiness and a lifetime of goodness with your kids.

Tiffany said...

Oh, hang in there - My heart hurts for you. I remember how tough it was to stop nursing - I still long for those days back. You have given your daughter such an amazing gift though nursing and that closeness will never go away! Just spend that time you would have spent nursing her, snuggling her close.

Nine more days! You can so do this! You are amazing and you are strong and you are courageous.

Lynette said...

Here's hoping your next few days zoom on past.

Downside: no more breastfeedings
Upside: now they can be used to take over the world. ;)

(You can do it girl. Kick cancer's butt)

Leslie said...

I'm sorry about you not being able to breastfeed anymore. That's not fair. I hope that these next 9 days pass quickly for you. Hang in there. Praying for you!

Becks said...

I hope the 9 days fly by and you will start to feel better ASAP!!

Jen said...

OMG, 9 more days. You can do the single digit dance. Ok, I know you probably don't feel much like dancing, but I just thought I'd try to look on the brightside. Sorry about having to stop BFing earlier than you had wanted. That totally stinks. Hang in there!!

Jenn said...

I never ever took any drugs when I was either. I hope this does fly right by, and you can soon get back to feeling like yourself again and playing with the kids !
I might not comment everyday ,but I do check on you each day and keep you in my thoughts!

Wendi said...

I am so sorry that you are having to stop nursing earlier than you had planned.
That sucks.
I couldn't help but smile at the fact that you have been blessed with excess milk all these months and have been stockpiling it in your freezer.
I never did that.
You did.
And what a great thing it turned out to be.
You were more prepared for this than you imagined.
I think not.
Thinking of you in prayer all week.

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