Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why, Why I Ask?

Could someone explain to me why in the world God chose me to be the bloggy spokesperson for Melanoma?

Also, would someone mind talking to him about the whole killing cancer process?

Because let me tell ya, this blows big time. It blows so much that I am seriously considering never, ever going outside in the sun again. And tanning beds? Yeah, that will happen, oh, NEVER!

The treatment makes me dizzy, sick to my stomach, gives me a headache, makes me tired yet at the same time I can't sleep for anything. It pretty much just sucks.

I know that I am doing this so that I can be around a very long time. I get that. Even though I hate every single second of this, I know there is a means to an end. I get it, I really do. However, that does not help the simple little fact that this freakin' sucks!

What makes me really angry is that even though I am doing this so that I can play with my kids in the future, it is definitely preventing me from playing with them right now. That's been hard on all of us.

After my treatments I can't do anything but lay in bed. I am just to sick. I'm not strong enough to hold Ella and I certainly can't hold Kyler.

I've tried laying on the couch so that I could at least be around them, but then of course they only want mama and since I can't really function, laying on the couch doesn't really work.

I really want to be able to do stuff at home, but I just can't. I hate having to rely on other people. But I just don't have a choice. I hate it when I don't have a choice. I need a choice. In this case I choose to make this cancer go far, far away so that I can spend some much needed time with my precious angels.

I do feel quite blessed to have such precious angels to come home to after my treatments. In that sense I feel very lucky. I am also lucky that my precious angels are young enough that they will not remember how sick mommy has been and that she really has been neglecting them.

I hope that someday, Kyler and Ella will look back at this blog and think, huh I don't remember my mommy ever neglecting me. I don't want them to remember these bad times. Only the good. It's bad enough that I will NEVER forget these bad times. I couldn't handle it if I knew that it would be stuck in their minds forever also.

*BTW, I have been updating the Cancer Journey link on the sidebar daily. They are just short and sweet little notes about how the treatment went that day. Feel free to check it out.


Crawford Crew said...

If you were to ask my opinion... (and I know that you're not) you have EVERY right to feel the way you do. I am a complete stranger, but I want you to know I am thinking about you and hoping you get better quick as a wink. Give your babies a kiss for me. :)

The Mom said...

Heather hang in there, this is a safe place to speak and we will listen. Stay strong, you are beating this and every post moves you closer if through anger and sadness!

Love ya!

Anonymous said...

I know that we don't personally know each other but if I lived close to you, I would meet you then figure out a way to help you! I guess I will just have to be happy with praying for you and hoping to give some encouragement in every comment I make!
Please don't feel guilty about not being with the kids right now. They are going to be fine and you will be the #1 person in their lives for years to come. Once you get through these next few weeks, things are going to be fine again. Just keep telling yourself that!

Lewis Family said...

I'm so so sorry you are not feeling very well. But you can do this!!! You are a strong person, and once this is over, it's over. I am praying for you, God will give you the strength you need!

Chelle said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, Heather. I wish I was closer to you so I could help out in some way.

PS-I need your address again! I can't find it anywhere :(

Christy said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I'll definitely be checking your updates on treatment.

Shannon said...

That's awful Heather, I'm so, so sorry. It's just not right that you have to feel so awful doing treatments to get rid of this thing. I pray the time goes fast, and of course your children will never remember these times. Kids are so innocent and sweet, they always remember the beauty and the happiness in things.

Clare said...

Heather, we are all so proud of you! Your posts are amazing and inspiring for us all. Stay strong, we are thinking of you...and you children will ONLY remember the good! love, Clare

Wendi said...

Oh Heather I am so sorry.
How I wish you lived across the street and I could help out with the kiddos or bake you some cookies or take in a meal.
I hope someone else is doing all that.
I know this is hard.
I can not even imagine.
Hang in there.
Be strong.
I sent you a little something to cheer you.
Hope it did.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! You are putting up a good fight, and it will pay off. We're all rooting for you.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Marla said...

Like Jen says... this is a safe place and a great place to let it all heart breaks when i read your stories... hang in there.

McMommy said...

Yes, vent vent vent!! That is what we--the blog world--are here for...a shoulder for you.


amanda said...

sorry to hear about all the suckiness. really wish there was something we could do to make it better...

can i get you a diet pepsi and some fried cheese?

The Roaming Southerner said...

Heather, I think they will look at this blog and see how brave and strong you are being.

Because that is how I see it.

(are you working on your Julie-san style karate kick?)

Allison R said...

You're that much closer to making Cancer your Bitch!

Tiffany said...

Hang in there - You have every right to feel the way you do - It just flat sucks... Just know that even though you feel like you are neglecting your kiddos, you are doing the bravest thing in the world for them in fighting like hell to kick this so that you will be there long after they have forgotten the "blip" in time that you were a bit less accessible.

Take care of yourself and know that every single person who reaches out to help you do what you cannot do, is doing so because they love you and want to "stand in the gap" for you in the places you need them.

Praying for you...

Becks said...

That is tough girl!! It will be over soon-ish and you can snuggle and hold your babies all day long! I cant imagine how hard it is. You are one strong lady and cancer really is your bitch, haha!!

Anonymous said...

Keep up the fight! I know treatment can be awful, I was getting chemo with a 17 month old and a 5 year old but hang in there. My daughter saw an old, bald picture of me the other day (she's 3 now) and asked "Mommy, who's this?" It was everything to not burst into tears. Kids are resilient and they will be just fine! Good Luck. Kate

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