Sunday, October 11, 2009

9 Just Isn't Enough

Sometimes this whole cancer thing seems so surreal.

Like I am on the outside looking in. I don't want to be going through all of this. I didn't ask for it. But, it is what it is and what can I do?

I feel like I have already fought my heart out. I have already been fighting so very hard. What do I do if the cancer comes back? Where do we go from here?

According to statics, the cancer will return in about 9 months.

9 months.

That is all I get and then I will be going through all this again.

9 months.

You have seriously got to be kidding me.

9 months isn't enough.

I want to do so many things. Especially with the kids.

I try to do fun activities with them at least once a week, but quite honestly, I don't always have the energy, and now that's it getting cold, I don't really want to take them out. I need to set up some sort of schedule where we do art projects every day or something like that. I just want them both to remember all the great things that I do with them.

Something that I hear a lot is, "They are so young, they won't remember this." Please, don't ever say that to me.

Why, you ask?

Because when you say that, I think, what if I don't make it. Then they won't remember me. (Insert tears here!)

My kids not remembering me is something that I can not handle. That is why I am working so hard to create memories. And take lots of pictures. I don't ever want them to forget me or everything that I have done for them or with them. I love them so much and I am pretty sure that if they weren't here I wouldn't be doing all this. To be perfectly honest, they are a fabulous reason to be alive. So, thank you my little monkeys. You rock!


McMommy said...

I know exactly what you and the kids would LOVE...and would be a HUGE memory maker....

DISNEY WORLD!!!! And the weather here will only get more gorgeous each jackets required, I promise.

And if you stay at a hotel on the monorail, it makes it so easy to jump back and forth between the parks and the hotel. If you or the kiddos get tired and need a nap...just jump on the monorail and head back! You can watch the Magic Kingdom fireworks from the balcony of your hotel room!

*Sigh* It's magical there.

Christy said...

I can understand this. I have been thinking about doing more crafts and stuff with my kids too. I just want them to have a fun childhood - I want to be a great mother for them. I imagine that you are feeling this to a much, much greater extent.

Have you tried baking together? We bake something ever week and the kids love it (probably because I let them eat way too many chocolate chips). We also go to story time at the book store every week. Now that school has started, not too many people attend anymore (maybe 3 or 4 other parents & children). We go to Border's, but Barnes & Noble and Pottery Barn do story time too.

Brittany..Following my Bliss said...

I can not even imagine how you feel in your heart with all this stress and worrying about your children but I have to say... that while big events might be easily remembered, its the little things in life that count just as much!
You're a great mom and every day, without even realizing you're making memories to treasure for a lifetime!
My prayers are with you.

Chelle said...

Heather, your little ones will remember. I know they will...the clothes you make by hand, the zoo trips, the wonderful pictures, your blog. When they are older you can sit down with them and read to them that you fought cancer.

And you WON!

You, my dear, are an amazing, strong, loving momma, wife and bloggy friend. Your little ones are so lucky to have a momma like you who no matter what, puts them first.

ps-I agree with McMommy!! Go to Disney World! Or come down here to the's still hot here and we could have so much fun!!

Lindsay said...

oo Honey! I know they will remember these special moments! Lots of pictures lots of crafts and keep them to look through. I have a box for each season so next year Sammy can look through the things he made this year! HUGS!! I will be praying that its not 9 months!

Darin said...

Thanks Heather, way to make me tear up at work.

Clare said...

what a loving and honest post heather!! they will remember you and all of these amazing memories. it doesn't have to be the big stuff either...just carving pumkins!! xoxo, c

Kristi said...

That was a really touching post. Just from reading your blog I can tell that you are a great Mom and your kids are so lucky to have you. And they will absolutely remember everything that you all do together !

Heather said...

I have the same fear about making memories with my children, I can only imagine how much this is magnified for you.
Just from reading your blog I can tell that you are a fantastic momma and love those children with everything you have. I can also tell that they love you just as much, if not more. They are extremely lucky kids to have such a strong, smart woman for a mom.
Taking tons of pictures & writing things down, this will mean SO much to them, especially years from now when they WILL sit WITH YOU @ the table and read/look at them. Keep your chin up, you're gonna be here for a very long time!!!

Holly Jahangiri said...

They'll remember you, Heather. You make sure of that every day. Write, take photos, make a video - but more importantly, you have kicked cancer in the derriere, and you are NOT a statistic. Envision those cancer cells. Say to them, "I'm onto you, now. I won't let you win." You have beautiful reasons to beat it.

Blog Makeovers by Tara