Monday, January 11, 2010

Bad Habits?

I love my kids. I mean I LOVE them. Like love them more than myself. Love them more than anything in the whole world. Love them so much that I would do anything and everything in the world for them.

But, lately they have both become MAJOR mama's babies. I guess I should say Ella has become a major mama's girl. Kyler has ALWAYS been a mama's boy. Always. He was attached to me the second he was born. We have always had an unspoken bond. One that can't and never will, be broken.

But, Ella, Ella is different. Ella is high maintenance in a sense, but also easy going at the same time. She was the one that would go to anyone and do anything for anyone. But now? Now she will only go to mommy. She will only listen to mommy. She will only go night night for mommy. You get the picture.

And, I have to be honest. I love it. I love that my kids love me as much as I love them. I love that they need me. I love that they want to be with me all the time. But, I'll be honest, some days I get a little exhausted. Some days I get a little worried. Some days I get a little scared.

What if I don't make it? What if cancer wins? How will my kids do? Will they understand why mommy can't rock them to bed? Why mommy can't hug them? Kiss them? Cuddle them? Do puzzles with them? How do you even explain that to a little one?

At first, I used to think, if it comes to that Ella will be ok. She's young. She goes to anyone. She will be fine. I know Kyler will have a difficult time without me. Like I said, he's my baby. Always attached. But now, now I know Ella will have a rough time with me too.

So, now I don't have a choice. Now I HAVE to kick cancer's ass. I HAVE to. So, tonight, when you say your prayers would you mind saying one for me? Please pray that this cancer stays away. Like a long, long way away. I will fight, because that's what I do. But, you know, prayers are nice too:)


Laura said...

Heather....YOU WILL BEAT THIS CANCER....YOU ALREADY HAVE!!!!! I know what you mean in this post, as I think about that stuff everyday's almost as exhausting thinking about and dwelling on the things we can't change, as it is to just live life and be a mommy. I have a very hard time handing my fears over to God..I like to be, I want to be, I NEED to be in charge of everything, and those thoughts, those things that I can't control really weigh on my heart, so I'm right there with you. You will ALWAYS be with your kids and you WILL BEAT this cancer. Sending love and hugs your way.

I pray for you every night and will not stop.

Love you old camp friend!!!!

Jenny said...

You have always been in my prayers and will continue to be. Kick cancers arse!

I love that your kiddos are so attached. Will is the same with me and it just melts my heart.

Lindsay said...

Praying - always! Totally not a bad habit! Someday they wont want us close.. until then I will be close as I can be :-)

Amy said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers..

Christy said...

I don't usually pray, but I am going to start doing it for you. Of course, I know that you are kicking cancer's ass, but an extra prayer never hurt anyone.

Clare said...

praying for you sweet mama!!

Shana said...

you got it girl! ya know you do ;)

blueviolet said...

You can win this fight! You can!

Evansmom said...

Before you know it, they will be at the point where they don't want you around and you will long for these days. Enjoy them... and keep fighting!

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