Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Results Are In...

...and they aren't good, of course. The PET scan showed a 1.4 cm mass of melanoma in my left hip region. The oncologist could not feel it, but he said it was definitely melanoma and that it showed some sugar uptake on the PET, which means that it is active.

Right now about the only thing left to try are trials. I have had all of the proven to work chemo drugs. But, if you think about it, even the proven ones are still a trial. They aren't proven to work on everybody. Just some of the people. I am ok with a trial. What have I got to lose.

I am not, however, ok with the cancer returning. I am pretty pissed to be honest. And, if you don't like it, quit reading. I have that right. I am pissed at God. I am pissed at chemo. I am pissed at my body. And I am pissed at the Doctors. I am pissed at medical technology. It's just how it is. Those are my feelings and right now that is just how I feel.

I will get over some of that anger. I know that. I've been through this stage before. Some of the anger subsides, but it doesn't go away completely.

We have several different trials that we can try. The one trial that, according to my oncologist, would be the best for me because of a certain mutation that I contain, is already full. There are several cancer centers around the nation performing that trial right now, so on Monday I will be calling each and every one of them to see if they have an opening. My oncologist has already told me that if I find an opening I had better take it. However, the chances of me finding an opening are pretty slim. But, there are other options. There are lots of options. If you go to clinicaltrials.gov and do a search for Stage IV Melanoma you will find at least 25 pages of trials. So, obviously, I could be doing trials for a very long time.

If you know me, you know that I am stubborn, a fighter, and that I love my family more than anything in the whole wide world. I will continue to fight. I will always continue to fight. Looking at my two beautiful children this morning made me realize that I will do whatever I have to to stay alive. A lot of things are going to change in our lives. But, we have no choice in the matter. I will fight with all my heart. There are no other options.

18 comments:

Lindsay said...

I know there probably isn't any real words that could encourage or help much right now! But I am in your corner with you! Fighting, praying, hoping, believing...

Hope said...

I am so pissed right along with you. I'm here if you need to vent.

Praying,
Hope

Jenny said...

Heather...know that we are here for you...we are your bloggy warriors and we are going to keep you uplifted and see you through this. many prayers sent your way right now!

Chris said...

I'm so sorry that you got this news. You are a fighter, there's no doubt about that! Praying for you.

amanda said...

You've done it before and you will do it again. I will keep praying for you--be strong!!!

fortyb4forty said...

I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Keep being pissed, we'll keep praying!

Amy said...

Heather,

I am so sorry to read this. Will pray and keep you in my thoughts.. Hugs..

Christy said...

I don't even know what to say. You have very right to be pissed. Shit, I am pissed too. I wish there was something I could do. I am thinking of you and praying that you get into the trial your doctor recommended.

McKt said...

Sweet momma, I am so sorry. I am praying for you, your little ones, your husband, the doctors and everyone else on this journey with you.

Clare said...

i can't believe this, and i am so mad with you!!! praying that one of those trials are open and they will be successful!!

Cindy said...

Dammit.

I'm so sorry, and I'm sorry to cuss in your comments...but there just isn't anything else to say!

You will fight. And you will fight hard.

I will pray. And I will pray hard.

Shana said...

Been thinking of you. You are a fighter and you will beat this! Praying hard for you my friend! Love ya!!!!

Heather said...

I am so pissed for you. You are a fighter and you WILL beat this thing once and for all. Please know that if there are any trials here in Rochester NY, you have a place to stay. Let me know what trials I can look for for you up here. My thoughts are with you and your family, oh and I love the phrase Sucks Monkey Balls!!!!

mary vawter burgett said...

Heather, you are an amazing person & you are tops in the many roles you play in all our lives. Stay pissed and stubborn.
Love & prayers.
mary

Chelle said...

I am pissed as well. Right by your side, pissed off that this would be happening to you, to your family right now.

I do know that I am praying like mad right now. Praying to God to please hear our prayers.

Love ya girl. And I'll do anything I can for you and your family.

xo

Christian Kay said...

Unfortunately, situations like this push many people (including myself) away from God because really, if there IS a God, why does he let this horrible stuff happen to good people? Anyway...if it comforts you, I hope you are able to remain stable in your faith. For me, it has helped my anger level just to stop believing in God because then there is no longer that feeling that 'He' let me down. I hope you beat this thing! I have read your blog for about a year now and hate reading all the bad news. Be pissed. You have every right! Make the best of every single moment you have with your family. Hugs.

Shana and girls said...

Ok Heather I have just now found the strength to read your new posts and I am now pissed, sad, and truly upset right along with you. I am amazed by your stength, you are an insperation to all of us. You go girl. SMILES, HUGS, LOVE, and PRAYERS!!! Shana

 
Blog Makeovers by Tara