Friday, August 15, 2008
1. I must sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. I don't know why. I just always have. Maybe it's in case of a fire I can get to the kids first (or get my ass out the door first!)
2. When I was teaching I had a jar of M & M's on my desk. I told my little kids they were smart pills and they could only have a "smart pill" if they were good little boys and girls. Oh, how I miss smart pills, er, I mean teaching.
3. I haven't nursed Ella since Monday and I HATE it. So does she. I may have another baby just to have that breastfeeding bond!
4. I know all the words to "Baby Got Back." Should I be proud of this?
5. I am about to become an aunt. My little sister is due September 24th with a baby boy. Hopefully I will feel better by then because I truly am very excited for her and her husband. I can't wait to become an aunt and spoil this little man rotten! (and then send him home!!)
6. I am addicted to having my kids pictures taken. The decorating of my house consists solely of pictures of my kids. I love it!
7. I have a major sweet tooth. I am trying to watch what I eat and how much I eat of these precious sweets. However, that is easier said then done.
I am supposed to tag 7 people, however, I am going to be a slacker and just say if you wanna do this, please do. Just let me know so I can check it out.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Also, would someone mind talking to him about the whole killing cancer process?
Because let me tell ya, this blows big time. It blows so much that I am seriously considering never, ever going outside in the sun again. And tanning beds? Yeah, that will happen, oh, NEVER!
The treatment makes me dizzy, sick to my stomach, gives me a headache, makes me tired yet at the same time I can't sleep for anything. It pretty much just sucks.
I know that I am doing this so that I can be around a very long time. I get that. Even though I hate every single second of this, I know there is a means to an end. I get it, I really do. However, that does not help the simple little fact that this freakin' sucks!
What makes me really angry is that even though I am doing this so that I can play with my kids in the future, it is definitely preventing me from playing with them right now. That's been hard on all of us.
After my treatments I can't do anything but lay in bed. I am just to sick. I'm not strong enough to hold Ella and I certainly can't hold Kyler.
I've tried laying on the couch so that I could at least be around them, but then of course they only want mama and since I can't really function, laying on the couch doesn't really work.
I really want to be able to do stuff at home, but I just can't. I hate having to rely on other people. But I just don't have a choice. I hate it when I don't have a choice. I need a choice. In this case I choose to make this cancer go far, far away so that I can spend some much needed time with my precious angels.
I do feel quite blessed to have such precious angels to come home to after my treatments. In that sense I feel very lucky. I am also lucky that my precious angels are young enough that they will not remember how sick mommy has been and that she really has been neglecting them.
I hope that someday, Kyler and Ella will look back at this blog and think, huh I don't remember my mommy ever neglecting me. I don't want them to remember these bad times. Only the good. It's bad enough that I will NEVER forget these bad times. I couldn't handle it if I knew that it would be stuck in their minds forever also.
*BTW, I have been updating the Cancer Journey link on the sidebar daily. They are just short and sweet little notes about how the treatment went that day. Feel free to check it out.
What is his name? Cody, or if he gets his way it's Sir Codith J Don't ask me why!
Who eats more? Him, definitely.
Who said I love you first? He did, after dating for maybe a month and a half.
Who is taller? He is.
Who drives most when you are together? He does, although I swear I am the better driver. Most people would probably argue that though.
Who’s more sensitive? Honestly, probably him.
Who does the laundry? That's about 50/50. He is kind of obsessive about the laundry. He hates dirty laundry just laying around. However, clean laundry, in the laundry baskets is just fine!
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does. I must have the side closest to the door.
Who pays the bills? Totally me. I tried to relinquish that to him, however after 3 days I couldn't handle it. It stressed me out not knowing if they were going to get paid. Yes, I am a control freak. What's your point??
Who cooks more? He makes most of the dinners. I obviously do lunch since he is at work. I don't enjoy cooking and he does. It works out well!
Who is more stubborn? Total toss up.
Who is the first to admit they are wrong? That would be him because I am NEVER wrong:)
Who has more siblings? Me-I have a brother and a sister. He has one brother.
Who wears the pants? That would be me. Remember, I am a control freak!
What do you like to do together? Watch movies, play the wii, go on walks, go out to eat, play with the kids, and go to the zoo
Who eats more sweets? Totally me.
Pleasures? Him-coffee and Dr Pepper Me-Reality tv, Reese's and Diet Pepsi
How did you meet? At a bar-totally intoxicated. Who knew you could find your soul mate while drinking alcoholic beverages!
Who kissed first? I think that was mutual.
Who proposed? He did. Down on his knee. In the most romantic way.
His best features & qualities? He is kind, understanding, patient, handsome, sweet, romantic, nice, and the love of my life.
Who are you tagging: Whoever wants to do this.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
And then I saw this.
Thank you Kyler for being such a wonderful ringbearer. You were perfect (well, for a 2 year old anyway!) and I couldn't have asked for you to be any better. You made your mommy and daddy very proud.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Wondering why in the world I have to go through all of this. Amanda mentioned that she would have just skipped it. Don't think that thought didn't cross my mind. It did. It crossed my mind, oh, maybe a BILLION times.
Screw the treatment. I'll just skip it. Hide out at home. Nobody will be any the wiser right? Wrong! I have to be here so that I can be here. Does that make any sense?
I have to be here, because I want to be around for many, many years.
I have to here so that I can chase off the girls that want to date my baby boy.
I have to here so that I can show my boy how to treat a lady.
I have to here so that I can show my boy that girls really do know how to throw a football.
I have to here so that I can show my baby girl how to put on her makeup.
And do her hair.
And discuss boys.
And show her how to shave her legs.
And show her how to throw a softball like a real woman does.
I have to be here because my husband needs me. (He has no idea how to balance the checkbook, pay the bills, or where the cleaning supplies are!)
I have to be here because my husband is my rock.
I have to be here so that I can be here for many more years to come.
Yes it sucks.
Yes it ticks me off.
But, I just have to be here.
If not you really should.
I got to meet her and her adorable baby girl in real life. Up close and personal.
And let me tell you, they are both absolultely wonderful. The real deal.
I only wish we would have meet years ago. And get this. We actually may have!
The high school that I went to actually played against her high school in sports.
Now, she didn't play sports-she's not a big fan of the whole sweating thing.
She cheered though.
So there is a very good chance that while I was playing sports she was out there cheering me on!
How cool is that?!
I had a feeling since the very first time that I read her blog that we were meant to be BBF (Best Bloggy Friends), now I know it's true.
I know that if time (and the babies) would have allowed, Amanda and I would have sat there and enjoyed Margaritas and great conversation all day long.
Thank you Amanda and Beans for a wonderful lunch.
I seriously can't wait to do it again.
Ella attempting to eat dirt and rocks off the ground!
Monday, August 11, 2008
I am feeling ok. I am very tired and my head is pounding. They gave me Bendryl to make sure I didn't have an allergic reaction, they gave me some nausea medicine, and they also gave me Tylenol because the nausea medicine causes headaches. The Tylenol is so NOT working!
I am currenty laying in bed watching Gossip Girl and reading blogs. BTW, does anyone watch that show? Interesting show.
Anywoo, just wanted to let you all know that I am doing ok. Tired, but ok. Thank you all for your phone calls, emails, and comments. You really know how to make a girl feel loved:)
The big day.
The first day of my Immunotherapy treatment.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am. Very scared.
I am scared of what this treatment is going to do to me.
How will my body react?
Will I be able to function? Will I be able to take care of my kids? Will I be able to take care of myself?
I am also sad. Sad that today is the last day that I can breastfeed my precious little princess. No, I haven't really been weaning. I don't want to stop. I enjoy nursing her. She enjoys it also. It's not fair. None of this is fair.
I'm not sure what I have cried more over. Quitting breastfeeding or beginning treatments.
Maybe I have shed tears over both evenly.
Please think of and pray for me today as I begin this stupid journey to kick cancer's ass. I know that I will win. I have no doubts about that. I am just scared to go through hell and back to beat it.
I am so lucky to have my family and friends with me as I begin this. Thank you all for that.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Daddy looked pretty handsome too.
Ella had a cute bow in her hair, however, that was quickly lost in the chaos.