Saturday, August 30, 2008


Oh Kyler. You are my payback.

Payback for all those times when my parents wanted to sell me.

Payback for all those times I mouthed off.

Payback for all those times I argued.
Payback for all those times I snuck out.

Payback for all those cars I wrecked.


Your Grandma has said to me numerous times, I can't wait till you have a daughter just like you.
The one that is just like me is not my daughter, but my son. You are the one that absolutely MUST get his own way.
You must have everything nice and orderly.
You must have structure.
Timers must be set and limits told or else a fit will be thrown.
You proved that last night.
I set out your PJ's to wear. Apparently, those were not what you wanted to wear. You just HAD to wear your orange pants. So when I wasn't looking you went in your room and put on your orange pants and a shirt over your PJs.
You do NOT get your fashion sense from me, just your attitude!
You then proceeded to throw a fit because I would not let you have ice cream until you ate all your dinner.

That fit led to some much needed time on the naughty mat.....

You will probably never know how much I HATE to put you on the naughty mat. It breaks my heart every time. That doesn't mean you don't need to be there though. I can't wait until your days of throwing fits is over, but until then get used to that darn naughty mat little man!

Friday, August 29, 2008

One More

I only have one more week left of this type of hell.

Then begins a whole new type of hell.

After next week, I will start shots three times a week for the next 11 months. I am not happy about this. Come to find out I will have to go to the Dr's office and wait.

I have two little kids. I do NOT have the time to sit in a Dr's office 3 times a week for the next 11 months. Can you imagine? I am so mad about this. I have a Dr's appt next Thursday and I will be discussing alternatives with him. This is just not going to work.

I have already asked about giving myself the shot at home and my insurance will not cover it. I asked about home health care, my Dr won't approve it. I asked about having the shots at my family physicians office and my Dr won't approve that either.

Surely my Dr understands the difficulty of this, he has 7 kids after all! Maybe his wife would come over and watch Kyler and Ella and I will go have the shots!

This whole thing just irritates me. I haven't been able to enjoy my kids for the past month. Now I have to take even more time away from them. It's just annoying.

I keep trying to tell myself that it could be worse, but it's hard to do that. Especially with all this anger I have towards cancer and myself. If I would have gone to the Dr last summer when I first saw this spot I wouldn't be going through all of this. I kick myself for that. I should have known better. I definitely know better now!

I hope that you all will learn from me. If you have something that you are unsure about go, Run, don't walk, to the Dr. Just get it looked at. I don't want you to have to go through this. It sucks!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Did you hear the news?
My mommy only has 7 more days of treatment!!
Shocking isn't it! I think time has flown by.
My mommy doesn't agree!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bye Bye Pump

Today I packed away my pump.

I know a lot of mommies don't enjoy pumping. For some odd reason, I didn't mind it.

I loved the fact that my body was able to make all that milk. I was constantly in awe of what I could do. Of what I could produce. I wasn't ever able to make much milk with Kyler so I was thrilled that I could make so much with Ella.

Not a day goes by that I don't want to grab Ella and nurse her. The thought of never again being able to breastfeed hurts my heart. It hurts so bad.

We've already used all of February and March milk and are currently on April. I realize that the reason I was pumping was so that we could use the milk, however, the fact that we are almost through April's milk is killing me. I hate using it. I hate that my supply is almost half gone. I just want to scream at Cody when I see him thawing it out! Stop, don't use it all!

However, I also don't want formula going into my baby girl either. I know, I'm hard to please!

After lots of research, I discovered that Interferon is not safe to breastfeed on. Even if Interferon was ok, I am on so many other drugs that I run the risk of hurting Ella. That is not something I am willing to risk.

When I was pregnant or breastfeeding I was always one of those "anti-drug" mamas. I never took medicine unless I absolutely had to. Tylenol was about as crazy as I got. Now I have so many medications pumped into my body I probably couldn't name them all. I don't like that. Especially since all these medications are making me feel WORSE!!! I realize that I have to take them to make me better in the long run. But seriously, do they have to make me feel like shit? Uggg, I am so sick of these headaches and the nausea. I can't function. I can't even glance around the room without wanting to puke. Not a fun feeling, not a fun feeling at all!

Please pray that these next 9 days of treatment fly by. I am SO ready to be done with this! I just want to feel normal again!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Changed My Mind

Remember how I bragged that Sunday was my new favorite day?

Well, I lied! Yesterday was awful. I mean AWFUL!

On Friday they switched my nausea medicine because we thought that was the reason my arms and legs were so achy. That wasn't the reason. They still ached AND I was sick all weekend.

I have nausea pills to take, which I took all weekend, but those just make me want to sleep. So, instead of being able to play with my little ones, I was in bed most of the weekend.

I feel so bad that my husband has had to take on so much. Not only is he playing the role of daddy, but mommy too. I hope he realizes how much I appreciate everything that he has been doing. I have not been an easy person to live with. Thank you honey for everything. Some day I will make this up to you. Some day.
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