Saturday, June 20, 2009

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow we leave for Houston. My heart is heavy. I have had a great week with the kids. We have hit the zoo, Target, Walmart, the park, the mall, played in the slip n' slide, sprinklers, and pool, grilled out and had lots of picnics. Life has been great. Sometimes it's easy to forget that I have cancer. Except for the whole being exhausted thing! But, seriously, aren't all mommies exhausted? Isn't that just part of the game? If you're one of those moms with tons of energy, don't tell me! I don't wanna hear it!

Sometimes, when my munchkins are asleep I just go into their rooms (ok Ella's room, Kyler won't sleep in his room-still!) but anyway, I just stare at them while they sleep and realize how truly lucky I am to have them in my life. If my cancer would have been discovered earlier, Ella wouldn't be in my life. I can't even imagine that. Yes, it would have been better if I would have caught it earlier, but that is one heck of a price to pay. Can you even imagine not seeing pics of Ella on here?! I can't.

So, for tonight I will hold my babies extra tight and give them extra kisses to make up for missing out on a whole week of lovin'.




Kyler in zoo class.

Last day of zoo class. I told him to smile big and this is what I got! Silly goose!



Ella getting ready to hit the zoo in her "zoo dress." All little girls need one of those right?She loved checking out the penguins!



She is a little upset because Kyler is riding on the bear and she is not. He was a very nice big brother and got up so she could sit on it.



See, all is right in the world now:)


Monday, June 15, 2009

How I REALLY Feel

Sometimes I get so angry at cancer. I get so angry that I have to go through this. I'm angry that my family has to go through this. No 3 year old or 1 year old should have to do this. I am angry that I can't do all the activities with Kyler and Ella that I want to be able to do. They deserve to have a childhood. But, they also deserve to have a mommy that is around for a long, long time.

I currently have 3 more rounds of chemo left. I am angry that I'm not done yet. I'm angry that we don't know if this is working like it needs to work. I am angry that chemo makes me feel so awful. I am angry that I have to be gone for a whole week. I am angry that when I finally get home I feel to awful to play with my kids.

But, for all the things I am angry for, there are several that I am grateful for. I am grateful that cancer has opened my eyes to the little things in life. I am grateful that I have raised awareness in others. I am grateful that it has brought Cody and I closer. And I am grateful that I am the one going through this and not my children.

Everyone tells me that it's ok to be angry, because it makes me fight harder. Believe me, I am fighting as hard as I can. I have no intentions of letting cancer win. Keep cheering, keep reading, and keep praying.
 
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