Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Long Time, No Hugs

Dear K-Dog and Ella Geeber Beebers,

I hope you both know how much I absolutely hate being away from you two. You both are my life. I love you with every ounce of my being. I always knew that I was going to be a mommy. I was born to be a mommy. In fact, in third grade we had to tell what we wanted to be when we grew up. Most of the boys wrote policeman or firefighter. Most of the girls wrote doctor or teacher. But, not your mom, nope, I wrote "house wife." See, I knew I was meant to be wife and a mom.

When I found out that I was pregnant with both of you I was beyond overjoyed. Absolutely and completely ecstatic. You both are true blessings. I did everything by the book when you were in my tummy. I did everything in my power to make sure you were perfect.

Oddly enough, that is out of my hands now. I feel like I am not able to do anything for you. I am never home to raise you. I am constantly traveling to see new and different doctors. And I hate it. I miss you both more than you can even imagine. I know that you don't understand what is going on and I am actually very grateful for that. However, fighting cancer is going to be a life long thing for me. It's certainly worth fighting for. I know that. Hopefully, as you get older you will understand that mommy does this so that I can be around to be with you. You both are reason enough to fight. To survive. To live.

I feel like so many parents take being a parent for granted. They take the fact that they will always be there, to be a parent, for granted. I am not one of those. Not anymore anyway. I am so grateful for this blog. One day you will be able to look back at your blog book and see all of the wonderful things that we have done as a family. I still have the dream of taking you to Disneyworld. It will happen. I promise. Just not yet.

I love you K and L, more than anything in the world. YOU are my inspiration. YOU are my world. I can't wait to see you. And hug you and kiss you. I may never stop.:)

The Good and The Bad

Met with the surgeon. He was an interesting guy. Very nice. But very fast. Anyway, he did an ultrasound on the spot and found it pretty quickly. Since he was able to locate the spot, he agreed to perform a biopsy. After waiting for what seemed like for.ev.er a biopsy was performed. The first chunk that he took out came out black. His words were, well we don't need a diagnosis now. In other words, it is melanoma.

I was expecting this. As Aunt A says, I am the reason Murphy's Law exists! If it can happen, it will happen. Always. So, I knew it would be cancer. But, it was nice to think otherwise for a little bit!

So, I am  left with two options. One, I could have surgery, remove the cancer in that location and essentially be cancer free. However, I know that there are other cancer cells floating around in my body. They just haven't landed quite yet. At this time I don't feel like that is the best option for me.

Option number 2 is to get on the trial. The reason we are here, in Nashville, is for this trial. Seems silly to come here and then not get on the trial. So, that is what I am doing. The trial closes Thursday. I have to be here, on Thursday, to sign the informed consent. Therefore, we are staying yet another day. This little one day trip is turning in to a week long trip! Good thing I bought a 3 pack of underwear!

I am guaranteed a spot on the trial. The Dr is rushing the biopsy results, because even though we know it is melanoma, we must have that confirmation. Once that confirmation comes back I will go in, sign the consent, have some blood work done and have a spot.

Here's the kicker. Even though I have signed the consent, if my bloodwork doesn't come back like it needs to, my spot is gone. They will test me to make sure I have a certain genome sequence and make sure I have the B-raf gene mutation. Hopefully, both of those will come back like we want them too.

The negative about the trial is that I have to be here for quite a while. But, whatever. I don't know what else to do. We have to do it. The good part (or the bad, depending on how you look at it) is that the trial won't start until April. So, I get a little more time with my kiddos, and Cody and I will still be able to go on our cruise. I will be honest though, if we could get out money back I would cancel the cruise. Simply for the fact that we have been away from the kids so much. I miss them. I love them. I need them. But, if we canceled at this point we would lose most of our money. So, the plan is to go, eat, drink, and be merry. And make lots of expensive phone calls back home:)

Here is, quite honestly, were God was watching over me, the trial closes on Thursday. I was secured a spot (if I wanted it) because I called them in the nick of time. One day later and we may not have had a spot. So, even though the news wasn't exactly what I wanted to here, God is still watching over me. He knows what he is doing.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Some Better News

We just finished up an appointment with an oncologist here in Nashville at Vanderbilt Cancer Center. I really liked the Dr. For starters, he spoke English! Fabulous! And we were on the same page. From the beginning of this "rediagnosis" I was not convinced that it was cancer. Probably just wishful thinking, I know that, but I still need a little convincing. And apparently, so does this oncologist.

He looked at the PET/CT scan from MD Anderson and was not convinced that this is actually melanoma. It could be scar tissue, it could be calsification, etc. Sooooo, tomorrow we have an appt with a surgeon here at Vanderbilt and hopefully he will be able to ultrasound and/or biopsy the spot so that we can have confirmation that yes this is cancer or not it's not.

If it's NOT cancer, we do nothing. Seems kind of silly to start chemo if I have no cancer at this point!

If it IS cancer, then it sounds as if I have a spot on the RO5 trial.

So, overall, this was a good appointment. Obviously, I am hoping that it is NOT cancer. However, at this point I do not expect that outcome. I am just happy that it will be confirmed. I need to know, if for nothing else, my own damn sanity!

And, just to clear up some questions, I did actually ask my Dr at MDA about performing surgery or a biopsy and he said no. While they are the best in the nation, I feel so much better about finding a Dr that will listen to me and is willing to confirm my suspicions.

The bad part is that have had to change our flights, etc. And, I only brought one outfit (including underwear!) so a trip to Target is in the near future:) However, I am not complaining about that:)

So, my dear readers, if you wouldn't mind, stop what you are doing and say a quick little prayer to the Man above. We would definitely appreciate it.
Blog Makeovers by Tara